i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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