If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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