I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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