Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
