I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
