She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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