I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
