So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
