I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
