couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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