Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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