After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
