i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
