Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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