ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
