i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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