Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
