also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
