Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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