I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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