My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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