My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
