We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
