I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I FOUND THE LEGS
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
