I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
my liver is dry heaving
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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