3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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