at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
