I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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