I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He passed out mid-signature
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
