how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
