hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
