She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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