I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
