worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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