I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
