you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
