a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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