Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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