By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
