apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
