There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
