Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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