i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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