I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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