One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
