I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
