My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
