u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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