just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
