Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize