remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize