Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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