I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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