The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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