he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
